Creativity Makes the World Go Round

I wish to revise a widely known belief, that love is what makes the world go round.

In fact, yes, fact, it is creativity which makes the world go round and I can prove it, though with a few examples, you too will easily come to see what you already know to be true.

When I speak of creativity, I’m not merely referring to paint on a canvas. I’m referring to human ingenuity. I’m referring to human being’s innate capability to turn thought into thing, this is creativity, and this is what has sustained life on this planet to date.

Creative power cannot be denied, what it cannot find in you, it will seek out in another. Human creative power has resulted in literature, sculpture, painting, music, and dance, psychology, philosophy, economics, geography, and anthropology, physics, astronomy, geology, mathematics, and technology, to name a few.

To create is our destiny, our sole and soul’s purpose. Every man, woman, and child, has within them, were born with, unique gifts, talents, skills, and insights imprinted upon them and programmed within them to create a tomorrow.

This is unimaginable power and yet there are many who are oblivious to their innate power. Many who are stuck in perceived powerlessness for one reason or another.

Let’s look at that for a moment. As with everything in the universe, there is an equal and opposite force, and for creativity, it is destruction.

That means, if we each have the power to create tomorrow, we also have the power to destroy tomorrow. These forces are at work as we speak. These forces do not and cannot sleep.

While there may be some who are oblivious to their innate power, it is working through them nonetheless, it is manifesting through their lives, and the results are irrefutable, unmistakable, and are as clear as the trained eye can see.

Hopelessness, listlessness, loneliness, depression, confusion, inaction, manipulation, addiction, terror, fear, and the like are the results of destructive forces at work.

Action, energy, community, focus, direction, cooperation, excitement, happiness, gratitude, contribution, love and the like are the results of creative forces at work.

Taking this creative/destructive argument even further, there are many who are keenly aware of this immense power born into every one of us who instead of using this power for good, use and manipulate others into using this power to harm and create chaos.

Some politicians, dictators, abusers, psychopaths and the like greedily corrupt, suck away, and take pleasure in depriving others of their creative power. They count on weakness to remain in their destructive and misguided power.

We cannot let them win and it is within our power to shift the balance, to reclaim our birthright, and live empowered lives daily, creating a tomorrow that supports expansiveness not limitation.

Your tomorrow is everyone’s tomorrow. Your actions of today reverberates through all our tomorrows. What are you creating? What would you like to create in this, your one, wondrous life on earth?

How will you use your creative power to dismantle racism, sexism, homelessness, domestic violence, child abuse, global warming, bullying, addiction, materialism, income inequality, gun violence or one of the many issues plaguing our world globally? Will you instead use your creative power to uplift?

Our world needs all of us to stand for something, united.

Out of Suffering Comes Peace

I don’t believe in the biblical sense of heaven and hell but I do believe they can be experienced. Suffering is a place. A perpetual place of pain the living can and do get stuck in. I was once stuck in this place. That was hell for me. I found a way out through psychology, hypnotherapy, energy work, life coaching and NLP. Moving out of suffering requires

  • Awareness, a knowledge of self
  • Accountability, taking 100% responsibility, and
  • Integrity, living in accordance with your values.

Applying these principles to my daily life allows me to experience peace. Peace for me is accepting that there will be moments of pain and sorrow in life and a knowing that I am able to experience those moments without getting stuck there.

Finding Yourself After a Lifetime of Hiding

I had become an expert at hiding. It’s what I did best. I was actually proud of it. Who wants to deal with all of those bothersome feelings that get in the way of getting shit done? I was under the illusion that I could live life unaffected by my baser human emotions like empathy and sympathy. Strangely enough, I’ve always been very compassionate and kind but that was easy because I didn’t have to be vulnerable to show compassion to others. In fact, I learned, the kinder I was, the more liked I was while never having to reveal the real me.

Heaven forbid I had to share my feelings. That was my kryptonite. Whether to friends or therapists, the relationship was not long lived once I had spilled my beans. Emotional closeness felt like stepping on a slug barefoot, it was yucky. It was also scary. The facade I had created of a successful, strong, capable and functioning member of society was at risk if I let on to what was really going on inside. A tangled mess of confusion, loneliness, anxiety, depression and disconnection.

Watching 3 Mics yesterday on Netflix brought this all back up. The memories of my 20-something-year-old self desperately seeking help for the emotionally broken child within me sobbing uncontrollably as I repeated over and over the story of my childhood in therapists’ office while at the same time running as far away from the pain as I could in the arms of lovers, both foreign and domestic.

3 Mics is a comedy special, a one-man show by Neal Brennan. His one liners were funny but what left an indelible impression on me was his candid revelations of his own journey through depression as a result of growing up with a violent, alcoholic, and narcissistic father. I envy people who can string together minimal words into impactful sentences. Listening to him describe his story and reading comments on his page from his fans sharing how they felt like he was telling their story reinforces a truth that while our stories may be unique, our pain is the same.

He recalls growing up as the youngest of his parent’s 10 children, with a father that took up all the physical and emotional space in a room learning to stifle his feelings so that eventually they atrophied and in order to feel anything, in essence, became addicted to achievement and adrenaline and yet the rush of his successes never quite satisfying his core needs, to which I can wholeheartedly relate.

I used achievement and adrenaline to feel as well. Growing up I didn’t feel seen or appreciated so in school and work, I worked hard to be recognized as talented and dedicated, which was made easy by being an INTJ. Adrenaline came in the form of drama, relationship drama specifically. If I wasn’t having one-night stands with strange men then I was stirring up havoc in my relationships as a result of my love addiction and intimacy avoidance.

Unlike Neal, I’ve never been medicated. I never got far enough with any therapist to have that topic come up. I just learned to cope and hide when things got too real. Until I had had enough of the turmoil. I was fed up with spinning my wheels in life, love, and career. There is no one path to emotional freedom but the result I believe is universal, reconnecting with your true self, your forgotten self, learning to help the broken child within you become whole again.

This is the journey I began about 5 years ago and one I continue on, with compassion and love for myself.

Speaking My Truth: I Am Ok, Safe, and Worthy

“If I feel like nothing without you, I have a lot of work to do on myself!” -Wendyne Limber

That sentence really struck me as I did today’s reading recalling the tension I felt in previous relationships, logically knowing when it was time to let go but being unable to because I only felt okay when I was with someone. When I was alone, I was depressed and directionless. I had a savior complex, one that worked both ways in that I felt powerful enough to save someone else and was also in need of saving. My feeling was if we could save each other, we wouldn’t need anything or anyone else.

So desperate was I to live that role that I would do anything to keep my partner, even if that meant tossing aside my values. I don’t drink but I started drinking for a girlfriend who thought I was boring and felt that if only I would drink, I would open up more and be more fun. It was fun, for about a week but I couldn’t sustain it, I didn’t want to and so she ended it.

I begged her to take me back promising to change, to be more fun, and she did but it was a mistake and we both knew it and spent another year in hell.

Write YOUR OWN NEW COMMITMENT to your partner or some person you are in relationship with. What do you really want?

I am not in a relationship currently but know what I want of a future partner and that is a conscious communicator and emotionally healthy being. This is who I’ve committed to being and want no less from a partner.

A conscious communicator shares themselves fully and is both powerful and vulnerable. Their thoughts, feelings, ideas, concerns, and passions are expressed with an intention to grow as an individual and to grow closer in the relationship. They speak and respond with loving kindness for connection and with compassion rather than judgment and blame.

An emotionally healthy being follows their inner guidance and takes responsibility for their feelings, reactions, and path in life. They do not rely on someone else to fulfill their emotional needs, to save, fix or protect them. They actively and consistently work to understand themselves, recognizing their triggers and taking action to resolve them.

This concludes my series on Speaking My Truth. The course I’m taking, Intimacy Without Responsibility goes for 7 weeks but I felt this series a very important piece in cultivating healthy relationships. I hope you enjoyed learning more about me and hope you learned something about yourself as well. If you’d like to take the course yourself, you can find the details here.

Speaking My Truth: Question Your Beliefs

While relationships are a perfect environment for healing and evolving, there’s usually some growing pains that come before that due to our belief system.

I entered relationships with baggage, baggage from my childhood and baggage from previous relationships. That baggage included a distrust of people, a need to be wanted and approved of, a need to appear perfect, a need to be loved, and a need to be right.

When these things were questioned or not provided, I didn’t go within to question what it was about my belief system that led me to feel hurt, betrayed or powerless, rather I blamed others for not meeting my standards or having unresolved issues and therefore weren’t worthy of my time and affection.

It’s only through challenging my belief system that my growth began. Do not be afraid of what you might learn. Being triggered in relationships is an opportunity to heal and transform.

What behaviors in others or in your mate do you GATHER EVIDENCE TO PROVE?

Whenever I felt my partners losing interest, self-doubt turned to jealousy. My lack of self-confidence and self-esteem supported my belief that I was unlovable and not worthy. That belief then supported the belief that my partners didn’t love me or were cheating on me or no longer found me attractive.

I certainly didn’t have hard evidence but so sure was I in my belief that I was not enough that even words of reassurance couldn’t assuage my growing mistrust and malcontent.

Speaking My Truth: I No Longer Give My Power Away

Relationships are the perfect environment to grow as a person when you are willing to hear your partner’s truth without taking offense and are also able to speak your truth without fear.

For many years, I was unwilling to recognize that I carried with me a lot of hurt and pain from my childhood that affected how I showed up in my intimate relationships. I was needy and controlling and both unsure and arrogant at the same time.

If I was ever at fault, I would blame the other. If anyone deigned to look below the surface and not only saw but pointed out my imperfection, that relationship was not long to last.

Becoming emotionally healthy requires you to look within at the roles you play in your relationships, intimate, platonic, familial and work. The responsibility for a successful relationship falls on both parties to show up consciously and fearlessly.

Do not be afraid to know yourself and allow others the wonderful opportunity to know themselves through relationship with you.

What things do you REACT to in communication and relationship with others? Where is your judgment? What kinds of behaviors and other stuff really trigger you with a partner, friend or family member?

In intimate relationships, whenever I felt less than perfect or when I had disappointed someone, I would go into panic mode and do anything to prove myself. I would get very defensive, unwilling to hear if I had done or said something that was unfair or incorrect or hurtful.

If the relationship was ending because I wasn’t right for someone, I carried around anger for that person, picking apart their words and behavior, making them the one with fault and imperfection.

I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be my partner’s everything and in turn, they became my everything so much so that when I wasn’t enough, I became very jealous and controlling.

Speaking My Truth: I Am No Longer Burdened in My Heart

Do you shield your loved one from their own pain? How do you feel about this? How does your body feel about this?

As a people pleaser, this definitely rings true, for one person in particular, my mother. I grew up not knowing who my father was but there were moments as I grew up that I learned a few tidbits.

I knew the only person who could tell me what I needed to know was my mom but I didn’t want to cause trouble. When I moved away from home in my 20’s, similar to when I went away to college, I fell into depression.

Being on my own allowed me to feel my pain and I had a lot of it and part of it was not knowing my father. One Christmas I tried bringing up the topic with my mother but I sensed a hesitation and a discomfort so I didn’t press the issue.

A couple of years later, while living in Boston, I shared my story with a friend and she urged me to talk with my mom. The words promising that I would were just to close the subject since I didn’t feel I had built up enough courage to broach the topic.

My own hesitation stemmed from not wanting to force my mother to relive her painful past, some of which I knew about. I simply wanted to spare her any pain.

I finally learned who my dad was and met him for the first time 7 years ago but it wasn’t through a conversation with my mother but that’s a story for another time.

This experience of shielding someone else from feeling their hurt did both them and I a disservice; for me, losing years of a possible relationship with my father and for my mother, the chance to face her demons.

Now having found the courage to take responsibility for my feelings while allowing others that freedom as well, I am no longer burdened in my heart, soul, and body with regret and sorrow.

Wandering Generality vs Meaningful Specific

Seth Godin said these words in an interview with Marie Forleo this morning and it instantly caught my attention. This pique in interest was self-directed as I wondered, what am I? Could what I’ve been doing be classified under a wandering generality or a meaningful specific? Of course, none of you are in my head but I’m there all the time, it’s actually my favorite past time and because of this I know when I’m not being in integrity with myself. There are no small or large measures of personal integrity. When you fall out of integrity with yourself, the effect is the same and that is, a loss of self-trust, which leads to a loss of self-confidence.

Why am I bringing this all up and why do I sound like I’m being hard on myself? It’s because there’s a part of my “mission” that I waiver on time and time again. I start and stop endeavors. I get wishy-washy on living or speaking my truth. And why? In truth, because I haven’t figured out what it is. I’m just on this journey of life, like many of you are, trying to figure it out while staying true to myself and my values.

I’ve been trying so hard and failing at having a “mission”, a mission to bring wisdom and healing to other’s who’ve suffered with abuse like I did in childhood. Perhaps this “mission” is too large. Perhaps, I’m just not that invested. Perhaps the form I’ve been trying to have this “mission” take is not the right one. I have many questions and many ideas but there is one thing I am sure of and that is, I want to be a Meaningful Specific and not a Wandering Generality. So I promise to be patient and loving with myself as I figure out where I’m going and how I get there.

p.s. I arrived home Friday night after my trip, attended a lovely wedding on Saturday and started feeling ill Saturday night. I haven’t written because I haven’t been feeling up to it. I’ve had the flu only once before, not fun. This I consider a cold but I do have aches, a headache, I have vomited but I’m getting better and sleeping many hours. Cheers to taking time out when you need it.

My dinner solo at Mosselen

I opened up google maps to search for neighborhood restaurants and settled on a Belgian beer restaurant. I thought I’d had no problem getting in though even they recommended making a reservation. As it was just me and the menu being as amazing as it was, I decided to walk the block and a half to face my fate.

As soon as I walked in, I got worried. It was packed and people kept walking in. I caught the eye of the host and after he seated a couple, I told him I hadn’t made a reservation. He asked if it was just me and I responded yes. He said I was in luck, that someone had just canceled. I was seated in the back room at a two-seater for one facing the room of a few occupied tables.

Yes, this was my first solo dining experience outside of the states. I’ve eaten out solo in Vegas but at my comfortable neighborhood spots. Actually, on second thought, I lied, I ate solo in Cameroon during my one-year stint in the Peace Corps.

I started with a refreshing non-alcoholic Stella Artois. I liked it. I like the taste of a Heineken type beer which today I learned is a Pilsner but I don’t like the feeling of ‘getting’ drunk.


The seafood soup was delicious with bits of mussel, salmon, perch and broccoli in a lemony-garlicky-buttery-creamy goodness of a broth.


The mussels were large and tender but I didn’t love the creamy garlic broth, a bit too salty but I did indulge by dipping my baguette slices.


I ended my dinner with a cheesecake of ricotta cheese and strawberry jam and a cup of chamomile tea. I normally don’t like cheesecake but this cake was light with none of heavy cream cheese base that seems to take up residence on my tongue.


All in all, I had a comfortable meal. No one stared at me and the wait staff were very nice.

Reflections from my journey

Traveling through 4 cities in central Europe has been great and I am ready to go home. I’m ready to be back in own home and comfortable bed. That being said, the pleasant experience has left me a little contemplative as traveling will do.

Here are some of my thoughts:

I want to live in Vienna, at least that was my immediate reaction upon arriving in the country; clean, ordered, emphasis on art, music, architecture, and history.

I want to visit more of Austria; the mountains, take in the gorgeous landscapes.

I want to see more of Europe; the Netherlands, Scotland, Ireland, Romania, Georgia, and more.

Come to think of it, I’ve never traveled alone and I would like to and figure out my preference, it might be alone.

The pull of owning multiple small businessess is still there. I visited a couple of small shops/boutiques/cafes and they appeal more to me than malls and big name chains. They’re more intimate, more personal, and charming.

I like the feel of walking through a small town/village with cute shops and seeing people out for a stroll or sitting at a cafe chatting with friends; where getting around doesn’t necessarily require a vehicle or if transport is required, then taking the tram is the next best option; where people are friendly and saying good morning or good evening with a smile is normal.

My airbnb guest from a few weeks ago who lives in Bratislava invited me for a trip. We were there yesterday and it was absolutely beautiful. We spent most of the day in Old Town after having had a traditional meal there with Nika the night before and it was like being in a bubble. There were a few cars around the embassies but it was a walkable enclosed section of the city with brick and cobblestone streets around the Hrad ‘castle’. By all appearances, an intentionally and lovingly preserved time in history with exactly the kind of feel I just described. Nika, short for Veronika, told us a story about a woman who’d recently opened up a gelato shop called Koun. She’d been in the news and had become popular for her amazing gelato. The story goes that she quit her corporate job, moved to Italy to go to gelato making school, returned home to Bratislava and opened her own shop. We forgot to go, even though we were right there 😦 in any case, stories like this tug at my yet unpursued dreams.

Now to plan…

For pictures of my journey, visit The Wandering Lesbian on Facebook.