- Feeling Inadequate
- Financial Constraints
I suffer from the all too familiar and well-documented disease of perfectionism but don’t worry, the prognosis is optimistic. I’ve made some changes. For instance, I have a blogging buddy, we meet weekly to discuss our vision and plans for our blogs and work on our posts. Also, I’ve started a monthly ‘support group’ of women in my home around the theme of letting go and one of the things I want to let go of is perfectionism.
There’s nothing wrong in wanting things to work out or to be sure you’re doing the right thing or in the right way before doing it but when it gets in the way of actually doing, it’s a problem. My disease is as much procrastination as it is perfectionism and it is deeply rooted in the fear of being judged or appearing as lacking in expertise, knowledge, ability or potential. You see, my entire existence is built on my appearing to others as capable, strong, wise, knowledgeable and, yeah, perfect.
I know that no one is perfect and I am able to forgive myself when I make mistakes but making a mistake when others are watching is earth shattering. Feeling like I’ve disappointed someone or not lived up to someone’s expectations of me makes me want to run and hide in a cave and wait for the world to end in a catastrophic meteor shower.
I know things intellectually and I fear things emotionally and it’s a constant battle to choose faith and love over fear and I’m grateful that there’s a deeper part of myself that won’t let me give up; a deeper part of myself that knows there is something more I have to experience and share and that’s the purpose behind The Wandering Lesbian.
Growing up in adversity was one on hand emotionally devastating, leaving me feeling empty and disconnected to myself, untrusting of others yet desperate for their approval and validation because I didn’t feel enough; yet on the other hand, it served as the catalyst for becoming the brave, truth-seeking, curious and loving woman I am today.
The feeling of not being enough and not knowing enough also adds to my procrastination because I always want to gather more information before I can teach or serve or implement my many ideas.
Last but not least, 4 months into Chapter 13 bankruptcy, I had a rude awakening. More information gathering will not get me closer to my goal of becoming financially independent and has in fact made me even more dependent on a paycheck than I was before. The impulse to appear more than I am in the eyes of others has humbled me.
Even though, intellectually I knew, it wasn’t until my bankruptcy was confirmed that it finally registered that I couldn’t buy happiness and only because it was no longer financially possible. I was relieved and felt free the first month. Month two depression took hold. I was lonely, felt like a failure and saw the end of my entrepreneurial dreams. Month three I decided to write more and now in month four, I’m dreaming again.
There will be more challenges and I will overcome those as well and I will be patient and loving with myself.
This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1.