I am an aspiring multi-business owner and I was reminded of that dream today. The Wandering Lesbian is an endeavor to claim my writership, something I never claimed to be any good at, despite having ideas about penning lesbian short stories and my autobiography. During my 10-day blog challenge, I was able to get clear on the intention of this new endeavor which is to share how to achieve emotional health and live a life free from self-constructed destructive beliefs and behaviors as well as to continue to grow as an individual and share my travel stories.

The Wandering Lesbian is new but my dream of owning multiple businesses is not and one of the things I like to do is imagine said businesses in my mind, come up with business names, think up design ideas, etc. I’ll share my ideas with anyone who will listen and anyone who knows me well knows that I engage in more talking than doing when it comes to this dream.

For instance, my longest running business idea is to run a tea shop. The spark hit me soon after starting my Master’s program in 2005 while living in NYC. I love tea, drink it every day and I imagine a quaint, hip gathering spot for book lovers and tea drinkers to relax and enjoy a nice cup of tea. This tea business idea has gone through a lot of different versions in my head but two things remain constant; it would serve tea, obviously, and have a book exchange. I thought of calling it The Library.

I don’t plan out what to write daily and prefer to let inspiration guide me but today, I had no idea what I was going to write about but since I did commit to blogging daily for 30 days, the universe sent me some help. This morning, I got an email from Satori Holistic Wellness & Beauty, a holistic spa I visited a couple of times when I lived in NYC. I found it on Spa Week. I’ve been on their email list for years and though I haven’t been a client in close to 10 years, I still get emails every now and then.

I bring this up because another business idea of mine is a holistic wellness center & spa. In today’s email from Satori, they mentioned their location move in addition to some new services they provide and I’m falling even deeper in love with this place. They embody everything I would want my holistic center & spa to be. If you’re ever in NYC, I highly recommend a visit.

What services would I offer you ask?

  • Hypnotherapy
  • Spiritual Psychology
  • Massage Therapy
  • Nutrition
  • Herbal Remedies
  • Aromatherapy
  • Yoga
  • Mindfulness Meditation
  • and a host of personal development workshops

I don’t have a name yet but I’m sure one will come to me in time.

Becoming a conscious creator

I started my LLC, Conscious Creators, nearly two years ago. I had just finished my studies in Clinical Hypnotherapy, Transformational Life Coaching, and Aromatherapy and I was on a mission to change the world. I was recently transformed and wanted to share the magnificence of emotional healing with people just like me who were struggling in their lives and relationships.

I gave it a shot, I won’t even say I gave it my best shot but I failed and I failed fast and though I’d heard the saying, “fail faster”, when it happened, I felt like a failure. I didn’t want to go through that again. I thought to myself, I’ve tried and I’m just not cut out for this entrepreneur stuff, on top of which, I’d spent so much on quick fix schemes, many of which I feel certain are aimed at desperate new entrepreneurs who want to learn to do it right and have it all right now, that I’d spent myself into bankruptcy.

So I was done and I was miserable, again. This lasted for a couple months and I needed to go through that muck and then I was ready to try again but this time on my own terms, without a crutch. The attraction to shiny promises of success just didn’t hold the same power over me that they once had. I had learned my lesson.

This is the key to transformation, learning from life’s abundant lessons. But it’s a choice, to evolve or revolve.

The very thing I wanted to help other people achieve was the thing I saw myself shrinking away from, consciously creating the life and livelihood I desired. I was shrinking away because of fear and allowing defeat to define me. The decision to pick myself up was not conscious at first, it was fed by a knowing deep within me that I could not give up on myself. Despite my ups and downs and deeper downs, self-defeat was never a place I lingered in for too long. I’m not comfortable with mediocrity or self-pity or feeling dissatisfied. Once I became consciously aware of the discomfort, then I decided to take action.

That action was to start blogging and to take it slow and really figure out what I wanted out of life and how I wanted to make an impact. Once the decision had been made, opportunities began presenting themselves and all I had to do was say Yes. The first yes came in the form of Kyle Cease’s 2-day Evolving Out Loud seminar where The Wandering Lesbian was born. The second Yes came in the form of Natalie Sisson’s 10-day blog challenge that I finished yesterday.

I don’t know what more is coming but I know there is more coming and as long as I stay focused on being a conscious creator, opportunities will present themselves to me in abundance.

My Biggest Challenges

  1. Perfectionism
  2. Feeling Inadequate
  3. Financial Constraints

I suffer from the all too familiar and well-documented disease of perfectionism but don’t worry, the prognosis is optimistic. I’ve made some changes. For instance, I have a blogging buddy, we meet weekly to discuss our vision and plans for our blogs and work on our posts. Also, I’ve started a monthly ‘support group’ of women in my home around the theme of letting go and one of the things I want to let go of is perfectionism.

There’s nothing wrong in wanting things to work out or to be sure you’re doing the right thing or in the right way before doing it but when it gets in the way of actually doing, it’s a problem. My disease is as much procrastination as it is perfectionism and it is deeply rooted in the fear of being judged or appearing as lacking in expertise, knowledge, ability or potential. You see, my entire existence is built on my appearing to others as capable, strong, wise, knowledgeable and, yeah, perfect.

I know that no one is perfect and I am able to forgive myself when I make mistakes but making a mistake when others are watching is earth shattering. Feeling like I’ve disappointed someone or not lived up to someone’s expectations of me makes me want to run and hide in a cave and wait for the world to end in a catastrophic meteor shower.

I know things intellectually and I fear things emotionally and it’s a constant battle to choose faith and love over fear and I’m grateful that there’s a deeper part of myself that won’t let me give up; a deeper part of myself that knows there is something more I have to experience and share and that’s the purpose behind The Wandering Lesbian.

Growing up in adversity was one on hand emotionally devastating, leaving me feeling empty and disconnected to myself, untrusting of others yet desperate for their approval and validation because I didn’t feel enough; yet on the other hand, it served as the catalyst for becoming the brave, truth-seeking, curious and loving woman I am today.

The feeling of not being enough and not knowing enough also adds to my procrastination because I always want to gather more information before I can teach or serve or implement my many ideas.

Last but not least, 4 months into Chapter 13 bankruptcy, I had a rude awakening. More information gathering will not get me closer to my goal of becoming financially independent and has in fact made me even more dependent on a paycheck than I was before. The impulse to appear more than I am in the eyes of others has humbled me.

Even though, intellectually I knew, it wasn’t until my bankruptcy was confirmed that it finally registered that I couldn’t buy happiness and only because it was no longer financially possible. I was relieved and felt free the first month. Month two depression took hold. I was lonely, felt like a failure and saw the end of my entrepreneurial dreams. Month three I decided to write more and now in month four, I’m dreaming again.

There will be more challenges and I will overcome those as well and I will be patient and loving with myself.

This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1.